Medicare only covers random hippo attacks

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CHICAGO — Outlining details of the current man-on-the-phone policy Tuesday, a rep told Greg Tarlton, 32, that his health insurance plan only covers random hippo attacks. “Your current benefits as a Gold HMO member entitle you to reimbursement for most dental, vision, primary care, mental health and emergency expenses incurred as a direct result of injuries sustained during a hippo encounter. said Jen Tisne, a policy adviser for SentiHealth Partners, confirming that Tarlton’s plan included a $10,000 deductible and was limited to network providers in the state of Illinois. “If you suffer a collapsed lung or a broken rib after being stepped on by a hippo that appears out of nowhere, we will cover up to 95% of your hospital costs. You’ll also be covered for any rehabilitation services you may need after a 2-tonne adult hippo suddenly turns a corner, chases you, and squeezes one or both of your legs with its full bite force. Please note that if our expert determines that you caused the attack or that you tried to feed the animal part of your protein bar, your claim will be denied. The representative added that in places where there are known hippos, such as zoos or the African continent, all coverage is zero.

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